This piece originally appeared in The Haven on Medium here: 12 Catastrophes That are Totally Landon’s Fault
The Blue Waves’ Last Second Loss in the City League Soccer Championship (2020)
How: Got distracted by the sun while playing goalie
Jennifer Leaving Me (2020)
How: Told Jennifer that he saw me with Liz and her son at Dave & Busters
Ruining Braden’s Perfect Marriage Proposal (2019)
How: Photobomb
Clearing the Classroom (2018)
How: Vomited after setting a school record for most corn nuggets consumed
Grandma’s Untimely Death (2017)
How: Traded her medication for Skittles at church
Brexit (2016-Present)
How: Broke Boris Johnson’s ninja turtle and blamed Angela Merkel
Desert Storm (1990–91)
How: Promised Saddam Hussein all of Kuwait’s oil for a meeting with Cheetarah from ThunderCats
The Tragic Final Days of Elvis Presley (1977)
How: Exlax in the soup
The Rise to Power of Benito Mussolini (1922–1943)
How: Was the deciding vote that kept Mussolini from hanging out with the Italian Liberal Union Party on the playground
The Yellow Fever Epidemic (1878)
How: Too many wet willies
The American Civil War (1861–65)
How: Started a rumor that Jefferson Davis called Abraham Lincoln butthole
The Fall of Humanity (Beginning of Time)
How: Told Adam and Eve he was selling fruit for a school fundraiser